I am a fuck up. I love too much and for too long and all the wrong people, and romanticize every great thing that’s ever happened to make up for all of the shitty things that have made me want to hide under my blankets forever. I weigh too much, eat too much, I KNOW I drink too much, talk too much, and think too much… Hell, for a lot of people i just AM too much.
But you know what else?
I am good with that. I’m good with that because I know that regardless of my predisposition for substance abuse and my penchant for making really bad decisions, I also know that I genuinely want to be a better person in every aspect of my life. Tangible signs of success aren’t enough for me. I need to know that I’m a great friend and that I’m striving to be the best mom. That I am a good daughter and sister, and that I do something as often as I can to help other people. I want to go to bed at night and smile. I want to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and be happy with who I am and what I’m about.
It’s been really hard to let G go with his dad for the summer, and I haven’t handled it well. I am not super great about being alone.
Today that stops. I can’t manage it anymore.
This is me asking for all of the support I can get. I am lucky enough to have followers that are so sweet to reach out and encourage me on occasion, and I absolutely adore all of you for that. Anybody that struggles with addiction knows that sometimes strangers can be better support than even our closest friends and family.
"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up."
I want to stand up.
I ended up spending some time with a person from my past the other day, and I couldn’t even be mad about our history anymore. All I could think was how sad I felt for that person. Is this who they really are now? They are worth SO much more then what I walked into.
But then again, what the hell do I know? Maybe they don’t want to stand up. Maybe, considering my own circumstances, I shouldn’t say anything at all… feel free to call me Kettle. All I know is that THAT wasn’t the person I remember and respect. I hope that I’m wrong, because what a waste. I don’t ever want someone to look at me like I did that person. It was a game-changer for me. A wake up call that I could be exactly where I was three years ago, on the verge of losing my life, in a heart beat.
I’m not really sure how I’m going to pull this off just yet. I set out this year with the intent of getting healthy and making my life into what I wanted it to be, and so far I’ve got not one damn thing to show for it. I almost lost my best friend over it, and that’s not okay with me. Advice, support, encouragement, war stories - talk to me! Every day, sobriety and living right is a choice. I’m not so good with the choices.
Wish me luck, folks. It’s going to be rough this time, I can just feel it. But I want to beat it. Let’s all stand up - together.