You may think that your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face. But there is a third option; you can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward.
Ted Mosby, HIMYM
crash-my-party25

You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?

You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.

You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.

You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”

You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PSYCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.

You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.

This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.

So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now

5:15 am

I spent 12 solid hours cleaning out my house yesterday.  Pretty sure by the time I went to bed, I feel fairly confident I know what death by exhaustion felt like.  But really… is there a better feeling on Earth than falling into your bed with clean sheets?  

I’m pretty surprised I’m awake this early, but I’m about to take advantage of it and try some yoga.  I always thought it would be cool to be that person that does yoga really early in the morning.  And then drinks tea while the sun comes up.  

I’m going to church today.  But not just church…. oh no, I’m going to knock people’s socks off when I show up at the 930 service.  I genuinely can’t wait.  Not only that, but on of my very best friends has (begrudgingly) agreed to go with me.  T is so special to me, and I can be the worst influence on her.  To be completely honest, I can be the worst influence on most people…. but I mean, what can I say?  I’m hard to say no to once I’ve set mind to something.   

So now my hope is this…. If I can so easily influence others to make such shitty choices,  why can’t I learn to use that to influence others to make great ones?  T is an amazing artist, one of the most genuine, selfless people I know.  If God could finally get my attention, I know he can get hers too.  

To everyone that has messaged me since my last post, thank you.  Not just thank you, but really… THANK YOU.  I need encouragement more than ever right now and you guys definitely came through.  I want to be here for you guys too, so don’t hesitate to contact me! 

I love you guys, have a great Sunday.  

With sincerity, love and happiness, 

E

It’s time to tell the truth.

I am a fuck up.  I love too much and for too long and all the wrong people, and romanticize every great thing that’s ever happened to make up for all of the shitty things that have made me want to hide under my blankets forever.  I weigh too much, eat too much, I KNOW I drink too much, talk too much, and think too much… Hell, for a lot of people i just AM too much.  

But you know what else?

I am good with that.  I’m good with that because I know that regardless of my predisposition for substance abuse and my penchant for making really bad decisions, I also know that I genuinely want to be a better person in every aspect of my life.  Tangible signs of success aren’t enough for me.  I need to know that I’m a great friend and that I’m striving to be the best mom.  That I am a good daughter and sister, and that I do something as often as I can to help other people.  I want to go to bed at night and smile.  I want to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and be happy with who I am and what I’m about. 

It’s been really hard to let G go with his dad for the summer, and I haven’t handled it well.  I am not super great about being alone.  

Today that stops.  I can’t manage it anymore.   

This is me asking for all of the support I can get.  I am lucky enough to have followers that are so sweet to reach out and encourage me on occasion, and I absolutely adore all of you for that.  Anybody that struggles with addiction knows that sometimes strangers can be better support than even our closest friends and family.  

"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up."

I want to stand up. 

I ended up spending some time with a person from my past the other day, and I couldn’t even be mad about our history anymore.  All I could think was how sad I felt for that person. Is this who they really are now?  They are worth SO much more then what I walked into.   

But then again, what the hell do I know?  Maybe they don’t want to stand up.  Maybe, considering my own circumstances, I shouldn’t say anything at all… feel free to call me Kettle.  All I know is that THAT wasn’t the person I remember and respect.  I hope that I’m wrong, because what a waste.  I don’t ever want someone to look at me like I did that person.  It was a game-changer for me.  A wake up call that I could be exactly where I was three years ago, on the verge of losing my life, in a heart beat.   

I’m not really sure how I’m going to pull this off just yet.  I set out this year with the intent of getting healthy and making my life into what I wanted it to be, and so far I’ve got not one damn thing to show for it.  I almost lost my best friend over it, and that’s not okay with me.  Advice, support, encouragement, war stories - talk to me!  Every day, sobriety and living right is a choice.  I’m not so good with the choices.   

Wish me luck, folks.  It’s going to be rough this time, I can just feel it.  But I want to beat it.  Let’s all stand up - together. 

It’s raining, it’s pouring

This absolutely beautiful, rainy, dark, thunder and lightening weather we’ve had lately reminds me of home in the best way.  Quiet mornings on the front porch, we’d sit with my head on his shoulder, legs and fingers intertwined.  We’d watch the rain like that for hours.  No where to go, no one to see.  Completely at ease with each other, everything we wanted right next to us.  It’s those sweet, simple, intimate moments that I miss the most.